...

There I was again. Standing in a dark room. A tiny hole above my head, light barely seeping in.

I take a deep breath.. It's silent. It's still. No doors, no windows.. except for that tiny hole. My breath quickens, I'm blinded.. standing there in the dark.

All this is too familiar. I can't seem to brush it away. I KNOW it's not the same. I KNOW I shouldn't feel that way.

But I do. And here I am again, standing in a dark room. This time, there is no hole. No light promising hope. I was alone, again..

******************

All this has brought me thinking about the past. The past that I always wish I'd forgotten. But sometimes they find a way to creep up on you, in the most unexpected way. I cried then, and I cried today..

But it was not the same. This time, I was crying inside. I have mastered the art of control. I have mastered the art of disguise...

I'm sorry, but this is the first time that I was truly reminded of what happened during those years. It only took a moment, but everything suddenly came to the front of my thoughts, like a home-movie being replayed.. over, and over again..

How did I survive? How did I come to be here?

For all these years, I felt so alone.. until I met him.. Before, I was indeed alone.. Alone even in a room filled with people..
I think I started to become an adult when I was about 10-11 years old.. It was not by choice. I had to. Someone had to pick up the pieces. Someone had to stay strong. Someone had to be the guide to show that everything is going to be alright. At that age, I was the guide.

No one noticed that it was also affecting me. I was a child then, so I was not supposed to understand.. But I did. No one came to me because they thought I didn't understand what was going on.. But I did.

From then on, I learnt how to put on a brave face.. even when you're scared.. even when you're sad. I was told that there are other more worse scenarios, so I accepted. I kept quiet. I swallowed it in..

And then as the years go by, I became a teenager.. But people still thought that I didn't understand.. But I did.. People thought that I couldn't handle the truth, so they kept it from me.. But I found out anyways.. And I kept it in..

They thought it'd be best to shield me from everything.. Not knowing that I was already inside..

At this moment, I can't bare to continue this post. This is probably one of a small number of times that I'm revealing this... I don't think I can continue, for now..

On another note.. NOW, I'm fine. I've learnt to live.. to appreciate what's around me.. to not care for the little things.. to see love as what they really are.. to be humble and realistic.. to be strong..

So don't worry, I am okay now.. It was only a moment of relapse.. A short outburst that needs to be vented out. I don't always talk about things like this to random people. But somehow, I find solace in writing them here..

*breathes...

So yeah, I'm okay now.. thanx for listening..