Paranoia

I think the ectopic episode really got to me. At first I thought I can handle it, you know.. putting on the mentality that I should be thankful in the sense that I still hv one tube and that there are some less fortunate than I am..

Syukur..

But I can't shake that paranoia feeling. I think I'm scarred, emotionally. The doctor did warn me that these are some of the effects, but I brushed it off.. thinking I am stronger than that.

Apparently I'm not.

As of today, I have gone through countless of pregnancy tests. There were instances where I took up to 3 tests a month. No, we are not trying yet. But whenever I get preggo symptoms i.e nausea, fatigue, that 'tingling' feeling around my ovaries area.. I become paranoid. What if I am preggo? U know contraceptives aren't 100% effective right? The doc said because of my history, I should immediately notify her if I am tested positive, so she can check if it's normal or ectopic..

Fear.. the reason I take the test so many times is so I can know, early on.. So I won't have to lose my now only tube. The fear of losing another tube haunts me. I read that if there's a history of ectopic, it may.. but not in all circumstances, reoccur again.

So there I sat, in the loo.. holding the test which states 'negative'.. I let out a sigh or relief. Not long after, I chucked it all in the bin and took a good look in the mirror..

Am I THAT paranoid? It's not healthy...

xx


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