Fly back

I thought last Thursday was going to be the usual, hectic day. I have a bunch of meetings lined up, opinions to write.. and some more. As I step into my car that morning, little did I know that the next two days would be..

different..

It's when I settle down into my morning routine (read=running to the printer to get stuff I printed out, dancing and twirling as I hand in my opinion, making calls setting up meetings/objecting to meetings, checking and cursing at screen window when I don't see an e-mail that'll make my day etc) I got a bbm from my brother telling me that he just sent my mom to the airport, my grandad was admitted.. due for neuro-surgery.. blood clot in the brain..

My heart sank. I became numb. Switched to auto-pilot mode. I didn't know what to do.

Ok, I wasn't THAT close to my grandad. Alaaa, nak dekat 50 cucu.. agak2 ahhh... plus, I'm wayyyy over here, and he's wayyyyy over there. Separated by the South China Sea ain't fun yeah. I see him rarely. Yas only met him a couple of times. I celebrate most of my rayas in KL, or as I was in London for a number of years la kan. But at that particular moment, it just hit me. Something ticked inside of me. I felt a connection. I felt lost.

In the midst of auto-pilot mode (and in the midst of a meeting), I discussed with family and friends. I surfed the next available flight. I needed to finish up something and then I go. Great, I thought I'd take the 5pm flight. That'll give me time to finish up, go back, lightly pack whatever I can, and leave for the airport.

Contemplated on bringing the husband and son. Tapi tgk harga ticket sorang pun mak aih! mahal gila.. for three? Pengsan sekejap.. so we decided that I should go first.

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As I see him lying down on the hospital bed, with tubes sticking out of 2 places of his skull, I couldn't help but cry, albeit very discreetly.. Yeah, I don't know why.. I don't normally cry in front of my family. I've always had this idea in my head that I have to appear strong. Always have. It's not healthy, but it's how I cope. So there I stood, fighting tears.. trying to maintain a cool voice when spoken to. I became emotional.

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The rest of the trip was spent in and out of the hospital, catching up with family members and reflecting on life. It was nice, catching up. I feel like I've missed so much. Little cousins aren't so little anymore. It's kinda weird being one of the 'older' cousins, all of them calling me 'kakak'.. Yet I can't believe how much they've grown! Going to universities, working etc. Padahal rasa macam I just started working myself! It's also nice to be included in the adult conversations with my aunts and uncles. Yeah, before this I was still.. 'small', so to say. Now I guess I'm an adult dah.. haha (in denial ka? ada anak satu ok? :P).

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We changed his robe as there was blood from the drip taken out earlier. As I held his frail and wrinkly hands, it just reminded me of the life he must have had. All the children he raised, all the cucu's he had.. and I didn't even realize until then, that MY son is the FIRST cicit. FIRST ok? That has got to be something right? And then I was sebak a bit. Will he get a chance to see his first cicit again?

He was cheery then, telling me stories of how he raised his kids.. his principles in life etc.. I just sat there, chin on the side rail, layan'ing him. I couldn't help but smile.

I wish I could capture that moment. It was brilliant. Ok, not that circumstance.. but the story-telling bit.

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It was time to leave. It was a short trip. But it was necessary. I had to fight tears whilst saying goodbye. Still, maintaining the 'macho' persona. Pfft. But I just couldn't shake the feeling.. Like that would be the last time I said goodbye. I salam'ed him twice. I looked at him a little bit longer.

I sighed..

Thankfully a cousin was on the same flight. That made the wait at the airport more, bearable. I think I would've broken down if I were there alone. We took the last flight out. So the airport was more or less, empty. We talked about so many things.. I realized then that not many of my family members knew what I went through going up. It was all in isolation.

But it was the past.

So all I can do now is just pass on that little wisdom I have or learned from experience, hear their stories.. and offer a shoulder to cry on.. Or I can just share what I think, and exchange thoughts and ideas. We're all in this together, I thought.

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Ah, I've rambled on too much. There's lots to say. I'm writing this not to crave sympathy. I just need to remember. I want to be able to look back and reflect.

Right now, life goes on. He is still in the hospital. We are still praying for him. It's tough times. But my prayers are with him. I don't think he's ready to leave just yet.

InsyaAllah..