#prayfordatuk

On Sunday we made an improptu emergency trip back to Tawau. My grandfather is in critical condition, admitted to the general hospital there.

As we boarded the plane, I could not stop myself from sobbing. It has been too long. Too long since my last trip back to Tawau. As long, if not longer than my marriage. How did it get to this, I wonder. I could not explain myself. I just sat there, staring into space..

Wondering of all the times lost.. and whether or not we would reach there in time.

"This might be your last chance to see him.. the next time, it might be his grave you'll be visiting"

Those were the words stuck in my head as we set on that 3-hour plane ride. Words of my father. I dare not say more. I just kept silent and told him that we'll be leaving on the first flight the next day. Of course, I would not be able to take the kids along. General hospitals are quite strict, and I am pretty sure 100% of our time would be spent there. I had to gently tell my brothers that unlike them, I am not as 'mobile'. Just leaving everything behind and head straight to the airport is no longer a luxury for me.

I have to make sure the kids are okay and are in good hands when we are not around.

.....................................................................

I was glad my husband was there with me. He did not let go of my hand as we walked towards the sitting area in front of the lift. 12.24pm.. I forgot how strict general hospitals are with their visiting times. There I saw familiar faces standing.. my dad, step-mom and other siblings, anxiously waiting for the kind guard to let us through the doors. But it was not them I was searching for. My eyes finally found her.. there, sitting in the midst of everyone.. a short elderly woman, aged from her years. I remember that face. She looked a bit disoriented. I did not expect less of a woman who has her life partner fighting for his life in ward 5. It was as if all childhood memories I had of her came flashing through my mind that very instant....

As expected, I saw tears in her eyes. More than 12 or so years, I lost count. Of course, I looked different. She barely recognized me. Her hearing is not so great anymore. When my younger brother whispered to her ears that it was me, standing in front of her. She almost broke down. I knelt to kiss her hand. It has been too long...

......................................................................

Only the sound of the fan above could be heard. Everyone was silent. The atmosphere was too tense. Occasionally, you'll hear the sound of another patient grunting, nurses chattering.. or whispers amongst visitors. I looked over at the man before me. Thin and wrinkled, spent with old age. At 83-years old, he did not seem as strong as I remembered him to be. Dried lips and hollowed cheeks. Ah, when did he lose all his teeth, I wondered. What struck me was when I realized that he was not receiving his drip through his hand, but through his thighs... Not enough blood pressure they said, to get the liquid flowing in his body. I almost burst into tears. He looked so.....

lifeless..

His breathing was shallow, eyes closed. As I stood there surrounded by once familiar faces, I tried fighting back tears. How I ached. Turned to look at my father. We exchanged meaningful glances. I knew instantly that all my grandfather needed now was prayers. Prayers for a miracle. I watched my grandmother sat beside the man she loved, poking him endless... she was trying to wake him up. I held her hand. She sobbed..

The condition of the hospital was another matter. The few hours that I was there, I looked around at tired, sad, anxious faces. The air was dry and humid. No such thing as air-conditioner here. Only ceiling fans and shutter windows. Yet I see visitors lying down by the pavement, making themselves comfortable waiting for their loved ones to get better. 

"They said it's more comfortable here than where they live"

A voice interrupted my thoughts. I guess my step-mom also had the same thought in her mind when she first arrived. It was as if some of them had 'moved-in' to the hospital. Yet we complained of insufficient 'single' rooms.. They found relief in having concrete floors and decent toilets. 

...................................................................

"Not much difference, he is now taking 'food' through tubes.. Ok, need to go now.. *click*"..

As I put down the phone, I tried to shrug-off the feeling of uneasiness. If I had let my thoughts trail, I would not be able to complete any work today... 

#prayfordatuk

xx